


Reflections

by she_elf4



Series: The Khan Files [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time Prompt, Governor Kodos mentioned, M/M, Marla McGivers mentioned, Past Rape/Non-con, Tarsus IV mentioned, cannibalism mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:41:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26768188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/she_elf4/pseuds/she_elf4
Summary: A young Jim isn't doing so well after returning to Iowa after Kodo's massacre. After a barbecue gone wrong, he runs off and finds himself in India, at the heart of Khan's former empire. What does he think of the one-time dictator, so similar and yet so different from Kodos? What does he think years later, upon meeting Khan in person? Which dictator is truly the monster?
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Governor Kodos, James T. Kirk/Khan Noonien Singh
Series: The Khan Files [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1958935
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27
Collections: Trektober 2020





	Reflections

Jim looked around for somewhere to stay for the night. Luckily, it definitely wouldn't be too cold; India was rather known for its heat. Jim had bolted from the family farm, from his father, without any particular destination in mind. Jim wasn't exactly sure why he'd run off. It wasn't like his old man was overly terrible, but they'd been fighting for a while, even before Tarsus IV. Always about the same thing, about how George Kirk Sr. thought that everything was more important than his own sons, about how he only played at fatherhood. Then he'd sent his son off to a distant planet, to "cool his heels," and now they were supposed to have "bonding time." Read, more ball games, more presents, more motorcycle rides, more playing at fatherhood. And he guessed he could understand why, after years of taking care of his father's farming duties and dealing with his and George's crap, his mother would want to do her own thing for a while. But still, something about her and George going off and leaving him alone with the old man, who was treating him like a little kid, just grated him, after everything that had happened. 

In any case, he'd run off in the middle of another of the old man's "bonding experiences," some fancy event he'd been the center of attention in, had felt way too exposed and vulnerable at. Everyone had been staring at him and the smell of the barbecue had been sickening. Everyone kept asking him how he was recovering, but nobody actually wanted to know, nobody wanted to hear about Kodos. "You should forgive and forget, Jim. You can't dwell in the past. Don't descend to his level." Even his own father had said as much! Everyone kept shooting him looks he'd only see in the corner of his eye, only to look away when he turned. Jim kept wondering which one would make a grab for him. 

So there he'd been, practically on display and advertised for the taking, then he'd been running and had ended up at the shuttle station. He'd seen the shuttle scheduled to go to Jaipur and something compelled him to stow away on board. Jaipur, the seat of Khan's empire. Khan Noonien Singh, the monster under Starfleet's bed. Jim briefly wondered, since he had used some of Khan's actions as a guide to survive Kodos, if he was a monster too. He wondered what his father would think. He pushed the thought away, not like it made any difference. 

Passing through an open air market, sights and sounds assaulted Jim's mind: people laughing and talking, music blaring, spices, fried food, sweat and dust. He quietly swiped a few pastries and hid them in his jacket as he pushed through the crowds. In the distance, surrounded by skyscrapers and gardens, he could see a palace. He'd seen pictures of it in history texts; it was the one Khan had seized control of. Jim, acting on a whim, began to make his way towards it. Finally, after about half an hour, Jim left the market behind and the crowds began to thin. He made his way through the dusty roads until at last, he was at the front gate. He rattled it and found it locked, muttered a quiet, "Damn it." A notice said, "This building is kept up as a monument to our arrogance and greed, and the monster they produced. It is not, nor will it ever be, open to the public, as these things ought to be condemned, not celebrated."

Jim scowled and headed around to the back. Sure enough, there was a section easily scalable. Jim scaled it, not even bothering to be discreet. Not like there was anyone around to catch him anyway. Turning to the building, he slowly picked his way through the unkempt garden. He passed palm trees choked with weeds and an empty pond, leading up to a grand covered porch. Looking closely, he could see the carved pillars were once painted, the ceiling they supported still held traces of gold gilt. He gingerly made his way to the door, another painted affair, and found it surprisingly unlocked. 

Inside, his footsteps echoed off the marble floor in the large hall, sent up clouds of dust. Jim saw more carved pillars forming fancy arches supporting the domed ceiling, more chipping gold gilt, more fading paint. There was still enough of it left on the interior walls and ceiling to see the intricate geometric patterns it once formed. Jim spent the next hour looking around the old palace, finding sitting rooms, a huge dining hall, an interior courtyard with another pool, this time with a fountain in the middle. Many of the rooms were empty or filled with splintered wood and bits of rags. Just as he was about to quit and find somewhere to camp out he came across a huge space, he wasn't sure if it was a room or a hall, filled with freestanding pillars. At one end, partially enclosed in a gilded arch, was a huge plush chair. Jim wondered if this was the throne room and if Khan had ever bothered to use it. It seemed pointlessly large to Jim; how could you hear someone at the other end of the hall? But then he noticed more disturbing signs, almost missed beneath the dust: old, rust-colored stains, turning the once-white marble a dull reddish-brown, and a row of holes in the wall.

Leaving the huge space behind, Jim made his way back to the interior courtyard. Taking out the pastries he'd swiped, now a little worse for wear, he ate half of them and wrapped the other half in his jacket. Setting that aside, he walked over to one of the couches and pilfered a few cushions. He probably shouldn't be using 300-year-old cushions to sleep on, but it's not like anyone would notice, or care. Here, he was finally out of sight and hopefully out of mind, too. Maybe he could finally let down his guard, he mused as he laid down on his makeshift cot. Soon he was falling asleep, a deeper sleep than he'd had since his life had become a nightmare.

Sometime later, Jim felt hands, Kodos' hands, all over him. A horrible pain in his nether regions soon followed, his screams were quickly cut off, his face shoved into the cushions, he couldn't breath. Jim shot awake, reminded himself that he was alone, that Kodos couldn't know he was here. Nobody would look for Jim in an old, abandoned palace. He knew there was no point in trying to sleep again. However, looking at the sky, Jim could see that dawn was in the air; at least he'd gotten a half-decent night's sleep, more than he usually got. Jim wanted to laugh at the irony of it. Apparently, he felt safer in Khan's palace than he did in his own home.

After a quick breakfast of the rest of his pilfered pastries, he was off again, upstairs this time. He tore through the rooms, as if he could outrun his own mind, filled with memories of Kodos thanks to the nightmare. In one room he was tearing through, one of the fanciest bedrooms he'd ever seen, he happened to glance at the bedside table and a picture in a black plastic frame caught his eye. He picked it up and dusted it off. It was a picture of Khan together with a group of men and women of different ethnicities. They were smiling, standing around, looking like perfectly normal people. They didn't seem like monsters. He wondered what it would be like, knowing Khan? Being as friendly with him as all these people seemed to be? Jim thought that, maybe, he wouldn't be as bad as Kodos. After all, he hadn't committed any massacres. As far as Jim knew, Khan also hadn't done what Kodos had done to him. Surely if Khan had, it would be in the history books?

Jim slowly lay down on the bed, sending another wave of dust into the air. He was a little surprised that the bed held, though it wasn't very comfortable. As the dust settled, he stared at the picture, musing what it would be like to kiss Khan. If he'd met Khan when he was 13, Jim's own age. If maybe, some time anomaly had brought Khan to that hellhole Kodos had locked him in, before Kodos had had a chance to hurt him, to steal his first time from him. Jim imagined Khan would have rescued him in some daring fashion, they would have fought off Kodos' guards together. Maybe Khan would have killed Kodos, made them all safe forever instead of always having to look over their shoulders. Then he would have pinned Jim against the wall. The kiss would probably be rough, demanding, but enjoyable and passionate, like in the movies. Maybe it would have gone farther, his hands all over Jim, ravishing him, but not choking, not smothering like Kodos. He would have had Jim helpless, moaning in pleasure instead of pain. Jim's first time would have been something to remember fondly. Slowly, Jim nodded off to sleep, dreaming of his made-up scenario.

Of all the things he'd expected to find when the drifting ship first appeared on the Enterprise's sensors, Khan wasn't one of them. Jim had to marvel at the ironic turnaround of the scenario he'd imagined when he was a teenager on that impromptu trip to India. He'd been shocked, looking down at the sleeping man, so shocked he'd almost missed that the old sleeping unit was shutting down. Marla's pleas had changed that. Now, having spoken with the man, Jim was unsure what to do. He remembered all too clearly the sign posted outside Khan's former estate; even now, opinions of Khan and his fellow Augments stated that they were monsters and dictators, regardless of any historical evidence. Kind of rich, in Jim's opinion, since the common opinion of Kodos was that of a misguided man in a bad situation. On the other hand, Khan had been less than forthcoming about his true identity and intentions. 

Jim rushed to put on his dress uniform. It felt odd, wrong almost, to be holding a banquet in Khan's honor. Jim could also remember, even more clearly than the sign, the old documents he'd found accidentally researching for a history project. The massacre had occurred barely a week later. Would any of his kids have survived, without that record? Did it put him in Khan's debt? Or did it simply prove that they were both monsters? Jim tried to push this old debate out of his mind. No use dwelling on it. But what choice did he have? The answer to that question could very well determine the correct course of action, after all. The man was a mirror image of Kodos, his perfect opposite, and Jim didn't know which one was the good, if misguided, twin and which the doppelganger. With one last look in the mirror, Jim left his quarters. 

Just outside Marla's quarters, Jim could faintly hear Marla's voice saying, "I'm flattered, really, but I'm already engaged."

Jim paused. A moment later Khan replied, "Of course, no harm done, I hope."

"Of course not," Marla said, and Jim moved on, not wanting to be caught snooping. So, he mused, Khan would take no for an answer after all, unlike Kodos. So which one was the monster?

The instant Jim entered the dining hall, the smell hit him like a freight train. Cooked human. He knew, in his mind, that it was just pork, but it smelled the same. He swallowed, willing the nausea to pass. He slowly made his way to his seat and sat down. Soon enough, everyone was there and the arguments started as Jim tried to force down his dinner. Back and forth between Khan and Spock, Spock played prosecutor to Khan's defense, accusing Khan of tyranny.

"Tyranny, sir? Or an attempt to unify Humanity?" Khan said, his eyes alone betraying his growing ire.

"Unify, sir? Like a team of animals under one whip?" Spock shot in return. "A particularly fitting simile, considering the cannibalism referenced in certain court records." Jim could feel his nausea rising sharply and set down his fork.

"I didn't kill them, they died of natural causes! It was a time of famine, we had no choice!" Khan finally snapped. 

"A convenient excuse for a reprehensible action," Spock stated.

Part of Jim wanted to let Spock fling all of this at Khan's feet. Part of him was sure all this pain, this anguish and confusion, rightfully belonged there, instead of draped around his own shoulders like some ugly, moth-eaten stole. After all, if he hadn't followed Khan's example, he wouldn't have to feel like a monster. But he had to put that aside, had to remember the stains on the throne room floor, the holes in the wall. "As opposed to what, Spock? Slaughtering half the population under your control?" Jim asked quietly. 

"I fail to follow, Captain," Spock said, looking over at him.

"That's what Kodos did." Jim had to force himself to keep looking Spock in the eye. He tried to force down the shame that was threatening to eat him alive.

Spock all but sighed. "I fail to see the relevance of the comparison, Captain. Cannibalism is reprehensible no matter the circumstances."

Jim wondered when, exactly, reasoning with Spock had turned into another Kobayashi Maru exercise. "You've obviously never been in danger of starving to death. If you'll excuse me, I've lost my appetite." With that, Jim pushed his chair back and walked out, leaving behind a silent dinner party. He started back to his quarters, but a roiling stomach forced him to make a detour to a nearby restroom. 

Once the little he had managed to eat was purged Jim entered his room and gave a start. There was Khan, sitting at his desk like he owned it. Before Jim had a chance to recover, Khan said matter-of-factly, "You recognized me. You only asked who I was as a confirmation."

Jim attempted a shrug. "So I've seen your picture before. What about it?" 

Khan stood up and almost nonchalantly walked over. "Waking me up in spite of knowing who I am, giving a dinner in my honor, defending me against your...science officer." Khan, by now, had invaded Jim's space. He was close enough they were practically breathing on each other. Jim had to fight down the urge to back up. He wouldn't be chased around his own room, damn it! Khan looked him up and down. "Most interesting, Captain." 

Jim wouldn't, couldn't, rise to that bait. "Was there a reason you broke into my quarters?" Jim asked. Khan just smirked.

"Just wanted to know about my crew, when they'll be awakened. You must know what they mean to me," he said. Jim really wished he would back off a little. He was making it hard to think.

"You don't need to worry about their safety. I had Bones attach monitors to their stasis chambers, we'll know if one of them goes offline." Jim wondered in an offhand way how good Khan's hearing was, if he could hear Jim's heart racing.

Khan shifted even closer, so they were practically nose to nose. "Now Captain, would that be enough for you, if it were your crew? Your...family?" Jim found himself wishing the room weren't quite so hot as Khan smirked again. Jim didn't dare shift uncomfortably.

"I just wanted to exercise a little caution, see how this first meeting went," Jim stated, then cursed himself for being put on the defensive.

"And how has it gone, Captain? Was it...satisfactory?" Khan purred. His hand was suddenly on Jim's shoulder, brushing his neck, stroking his collar bone. Jim could feel his mouth going dry and his face heating up, could feel Khan's breath on his lips. He had walked right into that one. Jim didn't dare look at the smirk he was sure was gracing Khan's face, didn't look away from his eyes. They were calculating, filled with mirth, but not as cold, as devoid of life, as Kodos' had been.

"Your word that you and your people will not harm my crew?" Jim asked, trying to get back to the subject at hand.

A sudden look of concern came into Khan's eyes. His hand came up to Jim's cheek. "You didn't include yourself, Captain." Under that scrutinizing gaze, Jim felt exposed, vulnerable. He tried to come up with an excuse, and found he couldn't speak. After a moment, Khan went on, "You have my word, we will not harm your crew, or you." 

Feeling far too exposed and needing some distance, Jim broke away from Khan's gaze, but Khan's hand stayed on his cheek. Jim couldn't remember the last time anyone had been this gentle with him. He took out his communicator and paged Bones. "Yea, Jim?" Bones answered.

"Why don't you go ahead and start waking up the rest of Khan's crew?" Jim said, turning away from Khan slightly.

"Are you sure?" Bones asked, voice filled with skepticism.

"Yes, I don't think we have any particular reason not to," Jim answered.

"Alright, whatever you say, Jim," Bones said and hung up. Jim looked back at Khan.

"Thank you, Captain," Khan murmured as Jim hung up the communicator. Looking into his eyes, Jim wanted to believe that Khan was the good one and Kodos the monster. Just for a while. He felt Khan's other hand in his hair, Khan's breath on his lips as Khan leaned in. Khan's lips lightly brushed Jim's, his thumb brushed Jim's cheek. Jim melted into it, pulled Khan in closer. Khan grew more demanding, his taste filled Jim's mouth. The hand on his cheek dropped to his waist, dipped beneath his shirt. Jim felt a flush fill his chest, settle in his groin, as a buzzing filled his head. He let himself be guided to the bed, undid the fastening on Khan's shirt. His own shirt soon followed. He laid down on the bed, opened his legs for Khan as Khan stripped off their pants. Jim could feel a foolish trust growing inside him, surrendered to it. Khan smiled down at Jim, claimed Jim's mouth again as he settled between Jim's legs. Soon he was moving inside Jim, gently filling him up, and Jim welcomed it. Welcomed the pleasure he could finally feel.

Afterwards, they settled down for the night; Jim's head lay across Khan's chest, listening to his heartbeat. Khan's arms were around him. He mused that, here, in the arms of a man strong enough to break him in so many ways, he really did feel safe. Safer than he had in a long time. The memories of what Kodos had done to him finally felt dead.

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually supposed to be for the First Kiss prompt, but it kinda merged with the story I was planning for the First Time prompt. Since it ended up fitting that prompt better, and did everything the other story was supposed to, I just changed the official prompt. This story was actually really personal for me, because it goes into some memories I've been dealing with in my real life lately. I was abused as a child, and I've always kinda wished I could get a first time do-over. That kind of ended up being the theme for this work, along with getting over feeling like it's our own fault.


End file.
